Everytime I think about it I get a little closer. Looking back now the first couple times I thought about it seems almost like a cry for help, of course at the time they didn't feel that way to me. In modern times I've gone as far as to wright goodbye texts to people I Care about.
I tried once when I was younger. I don't know if that was impulse or a mental breakdown or what. But that time felt different. These modern thoughts are calculated, I'm weighing what I've done in life with what I can still accomplish. For the first time I'm actually looking at my portfolio going "yeah that's a decent body of work" instead of "I just need to get X game finished, then I can go!"
In the end, It always comes back to that one person, the person I can't find. The one who somehow has a knack for finding me... only I haven't seen her in a long time now...I don't even know if she's still alive ... I deeply hope that she is... I want what's best for her... But I also want to see her, to talk to her. She used to care. Even after we drifted apart she would pop up from time to time to make sure I was ok and I would usually panic and say stupid, hateful things to make the conversation stop. I still love her, but I've done a terrible job at showing it. Truthfully she would be better off without me in her life. But I feel a deep need to see her, to talk to her. I can't be happy without it. Don't turn your backs on people you truly love unless you're strong enough to handle the emotional devastation that accompanies it.
I've told everybody else who matters to me how I feel about them. All 2 of them. Unfortunately the people I connect with deeply don't seem to reciprocate those same feelings. It's understandable, they see me the same way I see the average person. Sometimes it hurts realizing someone you care about sees you as just another mindless meat blob amongst the masses, but that's just part of the depressing nature of life.
I don't know what comes next, or when it will finally happen but I know the time is coming soon. Life continues to get harder and harder. A lot of this struggle is likely my own creation, unfortunately bad decisions are like a pit, the deeper you dig the harder it becomes to get out and the struggle just isn't worth it